How To Be Hot
Because everyone deserves to be hot at every decade - 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s and beyond
You know what, I L.O.V.E looking at beautiful women in real life. On the tube, at work, at coffee shops, at Pilates, particularly if they are older than me. I’d always wonder what their routines were, what skincare worked for them or more importantly DID not work, how they balance chores, work, physical upkeep, kids (not that I have children, in my case, I am both the child and the adult, heee)…they are my true influencers you know.
I think models, celebrities and influencers are nice to look at , in the same way I admire ‘digital art’, but when it’s your job to look good, it’s not very inspiring for me, a woman in her 30s, with a full time job, trying to balance her career, relationships, hobbies, - but still want to look fresh you know.
So the other day, I was at work and as I woman who loves women in general, I am quite lucky that I’m surrounded by women at my work place. A woman in her mid 50s was telling me that she wants to be ‘cool, and sexy, and hot’ and I’m looking at her thinking, wow you’re already all of that, and how inspiring it is that you’re still ‘allowed’ to want to be beautiful at that age.
Then it hit me, as a woman in her 30s, I’ve always been afraid of ‘sexiness’. Why? In my head, I still subconsciously believe that I’m a child or maybe not a full grown adult yet, and I reserved ‘sexiness’ for adult women. So whenever I’m getting dress, I tend to choose garments that make me feel ‘cutesy’ and ‘safe’ vs ‘hot’ and ‘sexy’. Okay so to clarify, the sexiness that I’m referring to is not patriarchy’s idea of ‘sexiness’ - where women who shows a lot of skin are considered sexy. My idea of sexiness is the feminine version - where a woman carries herself with confidence, she knows what she likes, what her boundaries are, what colours suit her, what hairstyles make her feel most like herself.
I think growing up, I always strive to meet other people’s expectations of me by putting myself in a box. So if the people around me tells me that I am academically gifted (even though I hate studying), I would bend over backwards to meet their expectations. And if you’re already smart, women can’t also be ‘hot’, so I’m smart, but I’cant be hot, what can I do? I try to be cute LOL. This was all subconscious btw. I had his moment of realisation when I was chatting to that 50 year old woman. If she is someone who is 20 years older than me, can still feel sexy and hot, why can’t I feel the same way about myself? I know patriarchy wants women to stay small the moment we hit 30, but in my case it was also how I viewed myself. Whenever I shop, particularly for summer clothes (because I grew up in a tropical country, so my traumas are associated with this weather) I tend to always choose pieces that are cutesy, and whenever I come a cross an elegant hot piece of clothing with no hint of cuteness, I would immediately say it’s not for me…So guys, ask yourself, if you don’t identify with the traditional image of being hot, do you tend to dress more ‘cutesy’ or is it just me?!
To clarify, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with dressing ‘cutesy’, if you feel like that’s you’re authentic self then go for it. But for me personally, I feel like I was holding on to that ‘idea’ and was afraid to explore different ways of ‘being’. From the clothes I wear, to how I carry myself, and to the way I want to show up for the people around me.
I’ll show you what I mean in pictures. I am always drawn to these pointelle pieces which ironically can be both cute and ‘sexy’ but I style them in a way that’s more ‘cute’ than hot.
For the longest time, my shadow child dominates my personality and how I show up in the world, which is reflected in the way I style my hair, my outfits, etc. There’s nothing wrong with that, but I think I am at stage where I also want to dress for my adult self. So here are some of my ‘grown-up’ outfits. I could be crazy and you could all look at these photos thinking that I look the exact same, but mentally for me it’s super different eek.
Okay maybe you guys can’t event tell the difference. But the point of this post is to let women from different ages allow themselves to be hot, because why not? We don’t expire after a certain age, we just get better with time.
As a regular woman in her 30s, I thought I’d also share some of the things that have helped me feel like I’m allowed to be hot, sexy and confident in my own skin.
Personalise everything.
We live in a capitalistic world where ideally, the rich who controls the economy wants us all to have a generalised standard of ‘beauty ideal’, ‘diet’, and well, a ‘life’ so it’s easier to control us. I mean, for the longest time, all diet and wellness advice and tips have been eurocentric - e.g. white rice is bad for you, fermented vegetables are smelly, I could go on. But if there’s one thing I’ve learnt since moving to London is that there is no and never will be and should be a ‘one size fits all’ diet, beauty ideal, career, way of living. Try things, listen to yourself and go from there.
When looking for ‘skincare’ or ‘beauty’ advice, I tend to follow women who have the same genetic makeup as me. E.g. - I’m souhteastasian, with fair skin, dark thick course hair, and relatively petite. The skincare that suits a 6’5 blonde Danish women who grew up in Scandinavia would most probably NOT suit me, so why am I watching a ex Victoria's Secret model’s youtube and taking skincare advice from her. Though I do think that there are some generic things that could potentially work for everyone, I think asian skincare suits my skin type more. I have dehydrated ageing skin, with medium sized pores (some would say large, lol depending on your standards for skin), and this was the two things that helped strengthen my barrier , and helped maintained my skin tone.
Sunscreen, everyday, rain or shine
This SKIN1004 sunscreen has been a fav for years now. I think Asian skincare sunscreen formulars > western/european brands
b. Protect your skin barrier at all costs. Only use actives like retinol, acids once to 3 times a week max! I love K-beauty as much as the girl next door, but lets not sleep on Japanese beauty products. Yes they are horrible at marketing, but their formulations are super solid!
3. Facial massages every morning
As I age, especially in my 30s, I realised that my skin elasticity is decreasing at an alarming rate = sagging!! It’s a scary world out there, but not when you have older women to help you feel your best. So I was at an asian supermarket in Queensway, and came across this fabulous lady at the counter. I don’t usually talk to strangers (I mean I rarely talk to people unless I have to), but I had to ask her for tips!! So I went up to her and told her that she has amazing firm skin and of course I had to ask her for tips. She told me that her secret was a lymphatic face massage for 5 mins every morning. Ever since then, I’ve been following this massage or using my nuface every other day. Can confirm that skin looks less puffy and firmer. She also asked me if I was a side sleeper, and I proudly said yes, to which she replied - oh it can give you eye wrinkles (trust me guys they are very visible now)< so she said to sleep on my back (on a super think or flat pillow) if I want to correct my forward head posture and reduce wrinkles. I am still not able to do this yet but maybe one day!
Okay I think I’ve rambled on for long enough now. I wish you all a lovely day and night wherever you are, and don’t be afraid to be hot and sexy no matter where you are in life!
with love & light,
Quya
I can definitely see the difference- you look great, and I think I more confident in the new looks