Increasing your capacity to live a fulfilling life
because nature knows no bounds
It’s 11:21 am on a warm Sunday morning. It’s also the first day of the Notting Hill Carnival - an annual Caribbean Carnival event that has taken place in London since 1966 on the streets of the Notting Hill area of Kensington, over the August Bank Holiday weekend. My morning coffee was powered by some lovely Carribean music on my street, the sun’s shining, and I’m sat here in front of my laptop, with my windows open so I can watch the parade!
My husband and I just came back from Florence, a magical trip filled with history, food, art and shopping (yes I’m still working on cutting down my consumption, it’s been a slow but steady progress). My mother in law was in town the few days before our trip and so I had the joy of spending some quality time with her. We’ve been on a few trips before, but I felt like this was the first time where we got to know each other on a deeper level.
Growing up, I didn’t have a strong mother figure who paved her own way. The women in my family chose the path on not having a career, and the path of becoming stay at home mothers (nothing wrong with that, in fact I think it’s actually harder than having a career), and so I grew up, having a one-sided view of life - the life where the men provide for the household, and the women care for the children and the house. But somewhere somehow, something within me had told me to always earn my own money. I started earning my own money from when I was 18 years old, and I really enjoyed the independence that gave me. But of course, after I got married, corporate burnout coupled with my subconscious upbringing had me daydreaming about a convenient life that was ‘cared’ for. I told my husband that maybe I didn’t want to work anymore, maybe I want to be ‘taken care of’ - which I think is ironic, because if I (a full grown adult woman) can’t take care of herself, why should I expect someone else outside of me to do that? Because of love - yes that’s what I thought, if someone loves me, they should want to take care of me? Maybe that is true if women didn’t have any power like back in the day, but in 2025, I think given the hardships of everyday life, having 1 sole person to care for your household is a risky move. What if my husband gets ill, what if he loses his job, it’s a scary world out there. But everyone’s situation is different, and so I’m not judging anyone for taking whatever path that they seem fit. The bottom line is to feel like the decision is right for you vs making a decision because that’s all you knew, or you feel ‘tired’ or demotivated. Maybe the corporate life is not for you, like it was not for me (but I DO miss it very much), maybe you want to start something on your own, or maybe you just want to do something that’s not very traditional. Whatever decision you make, make sure you’re doing it for you.
So okay back to my mother in law, I was asking her if she ever considered not working and having my father in law just ‘take care’ of her , to which she replied - “NEVER. All the women in my family worked (she had 10 siblings btw!), they all worked until they retired, earned their own money, all my friends worked too, and so I know that no matter what, I need to be able to take care of myself, and my kids”. She then said that she had friends who was a lecturer and she married a very successful man who was verbally abusive. “After a few decades of marriage, she secretly purchased an apartment, slowly moved her things there w/o her husband’s knowledge. A few years later, her husband was declared bankrupt and the house was taken by the bank, her husband had disappeared and she was left alone with her kids. Thankfully, she was one step ahead, they moved to her safe haven - aka her apartment and she continued working until she turned 70. She lived an amazing life after the divorce, thanks to her ability to plan ahead’. - your girl gasped! Super inspired!
I then asked her ‘ Mama, do you ever compare your life to other people back when you were younger? I think. now with social media, people (myself included) tend to compare their lives a lot more - which almost always left us feeling like our life is ‘never good enough’. To which she said (while applying her Mac compact powder) - “we had different problems back in the day. I vividly remember when I was in my late 20s/early 30s with one of my closest friends (lets call her Aunty M) - she was applying her beloved Elizabeth Arden moisturiser, then she suddenly paused and said ‘Kina, (my MIL’s nickname) if a war breaks out, what’s going to happen to our faces?! Will they be able to import our creams? My MIL said - I think we’ll be too broke to care M! and they both laughed hysterically! That was life for us back in the day. After the war, we were just happy to have jobs, raise our children (with what they knew best) and get on with life.” She also stayed at her government job (despite the average salary) and she knew that she would retire with a pension, and to her that’s invaluable. To be fair, she was 1000% right. She managed to live her beautiful amazing life now at 73, with the support of the pension. W/O it, she said that she would be in trouble. Sadly the days of having pensions for us millennials are long over…..
I then panicked and said ‘Ma what about me, what’s going to happen to me when I turn 70 :( !!) - She then laughed out loud (whilst applying her mascara) - hahahahha, you’re still young. Start planning from now and you will be fine……..But will I? The next day, I had a full medical checkup, an appointment that I was delaying, because I hate going to the doctors, but to be fair, if they did find something, I’d be completely fine to leave this earth, because my life had been wonderful, and I’m just grateful I get to live another day every day. I then went to the bank, to ‘plan for the future’. …… But we will get to that one day. I think having a ‘real adult’ telling me that everything will be OK, somehow healed a part of me, I remember sleeping so well the entire time my MIL was around, maybe because I felt safe that I have an adult around, because I’m not going to lie, somedays I ask my husband things like ‘how are we going to do this and this and this, we’re just children LOL, to which he said ‘Hey I’m an adult you know!’ Haha, okay if you say so.
After spending a hectic week working, hanging out with my MIL, spending time with friends, we then packed and off we went to Florence for my husband’s birthday treat. I had secretly planned this trip as Florence is his favourite city in Italy and I’ve never been. It feels really nice to be able to do things for him, sometimes I look at him and I am just so grateful for him coming into my life, at the time when I needed someone the most. My husband, my MIL and my friends showed me what unconditional love was. I was explaining to my MIL about how my therapist telling me that my physical body is constantly in survival mode because my shoulders always tense up whenever I feel unsafe - which is every time I leave the house basically. So what therapy is helping me do is to help me increase my ‘capacity’ to deal with life. We can’t constantly be in survival mode, because that’s how people get sick, so the goal is to connect your mind to your body by telling your body that it’s safe now. We’re adults now, and we can take care of ourselves. We are the parent that we needed when we were younger. My MIL, was amazed by the work that I do with my therapist, and she always encouraged me to try and explore new things that make me feel safe. I feel really safe with her.
Talking about increasing my capacity. I feel like my capacity to manage life in general has increased, not in the most visible way, but internally in my mind, here’s what I noticed now that I’m feeling ‘safer’ in my own body and mind:
When ordering ice cream, I would usually opt of ‘safe flavours’ not because I love them so much, but because I didn’t want to be disappointed. I was scared that if I tried a new flavour, I’d be disappointed, so to protect myself I’d order the safe options. Now, I love trying new flavours, even if I get disappointed, but I get to experience the different flavours and that experience alone was enough.
I used to not be able to spend time with people (other than my husband) daily, but the past few weeks I’ve had multiple visitors at our home, and was going out daily to catch up with friends. I was exhausted, but could still function normally, planned our trip, go to work, cook, clean the house, and function like a normal adult. This may seem like nothing to most people, but was a huge milestone for me. I usually need a full weekend alone to recharge, but I’ve not had any for the entire month of August, and so today is my ‘recharge day’. hehe
I’m not as mean to myself in my mind. Whenever I go on vacation, I always have these unrealistic expectations about how amazing the pictures would turn out, all the amazing things that I get to ‘show people’ and share with friends and family. I highly recommend this youtube video about how ‘Consumerism is The Perfection of Slavery’. This videos talks about our culture of sharing our highlight reels on social media as a way of feeling connected. I find myself being guilty of this too, and am slowly working on reducing my consumption - mainly by getting to know myself more. E.g. I know that I am not someone who would ever appreciate anything from Hermes - sure if someone wants to give them to me for free, but never with my own money. I find myself more and more drawn to handmade items that are unbranded - a stark change from my 20s when I would chase luxury items for no reason?! I guess when you don’t really know yourself, you become the prime target for these big and maybe small brands. If the people around you loves luxury items - you subconsciously find yourself attracted to luxury goods too, if people around you decided to have a family, you’d feel pressured to have kids too, but some decisions are more costly than others, so the more we know ourselves - what we like, dislike, our aspirations, hobbies and interests , the harder it is for us to get influenced by society.
In my 20s, I’d look at my body as something that I was dissatisfied with. There’s always more that I could do to mould it to fit into whatever the beauty ideal was. I’d look at exercise as a way to punish myself, so even when I’d exercise, I’d feel super disconnected from my body. I rarely look at my body, like really look and touch and feel every limb, every part of my body. I would wash it, but rush the process, I’d rarely moisturise the skin on my body, and I’d rather just cover the parts that I didn’t like. But now, I try to dry brush my entire body a few times a week, and I’d look at my body during this time, like really thank my body for allowing me live this long, to go on long walks with my loved ones, to create memories, to laugh, dance, jump, etc. I catch myself wanting to take an everything shower regularly (something I would avoid for as long as my hair can take it) - but now I tell myself that I wouldn’t want my daughter to live with greasy hair, and so she deserves to have freshly washed her regularly..
I know how to regulate my emotions more. The thoughts in my mind can be my biggest critic, particularly when I’m in my luteal phase. Unfortunately this was also around the time when we were in Florence. There were moments when I felt a bit meh - but I know how to NOT listen to those thoughts by affirming positive thoughts. Like ohh, you have clean hair, or your skin is clear, so you don’t have to be mean to yourself, etc etc. I know it might seem like I’m crazy to have these random thoughts, but it’s something that I developed from a very young age, and so rewiring my brain is taking a while…
Okay, enough about that, now let’s move on to something more fun! Like my trip to Florence. A city that was established by the Romans as a colony for veteran soldiers and was built in the style of an army camp but transformed by the Medici family into a center of the Renaissance and a cultural powerhouse through their wealth and patronage of the arts. Growing up, going to museums, looking at art was not something that we as a family do. I was exposed to the art world in my 20s, when my friends and I would go on trips to Europe, and some friends wanted to go to museums - a concept that was quite foreign to me, but slowly fell in love with. Took my a while to develop an interest in art, but as someone who loved history, it was quite easy to fall in love with art in the context of history. My husband on the other hand, was exposed to the art world from a younger age, and so would also encourage me to go to museums, exhibitions, and workshops. Okay so some highlights , the Uffizi gallery was up there. I wanted to watch Boticelli’s birth of Venus and Primavera in person. So that was magical. I didn’t find David’s sculpture as captivating as I thought it would be. It was hot in August, but loved how small the city is, so you could quite literally walk everywhere. Some snaps of my favourite things below:
/Users/quyasabri/Downloads/IMG_4697.JPG
If you’re into history and really old things - from vintage clothes, antiques, art, culture, etc, I’d highly recommend a trip to Firenze. I also had a snap of some of my observations from my trip below:
I have a list for every trip, will share a more detailed version for London, and some of my other favourite cities in Europe too, but am also wary of pushing everyone to go to the same places. I think while it’s good to plan, it’s also nice to just walk around and discover something by chance. Something I used to do a lot more before the era of TikTok.
Until next time, I hope you all have a beautiful week wherever you are. I’m now unpacking my suitcase and washing my makeup brushes:
/Users/quyasabri/Downloads/IMG_4752.JPG
Thank you sharing this. Love your writing, feels very conversational. ❤️